we cannot know our need until we are in want. i am becoming convinced of this.
sometime in the middle of last summer i quickly journaled a passing thought that threatened to go as quickly as it came – to be alone is to be in want of another. yes, we cannot fully embrace or even acknowledge our desperate state until we realize we are in need. for some this is easier than others. to admit my lack has never been an easy thing.
maybe that is why He is now choosing to strip me of most of what has been known for a time. to allow the brokenness to spring forth and be embraced. to be in a place of vulnerability. to be in need. of Him.
He has a way of doing this (especially when we ask it of Him). to come and break through our barriers so that there is no longer anything between Him and us.
i came across this quote in a random sort of way, but it has struck me deeply. it puts words to the relentless cry that is in all of us. the space in us that can only be satisfied by Him is still left up to our choosing. one that has to be made over and over again. it requires us to say no to all the other things that scream at us for our attention and for our affections. the things which seemingly provide us relief last only momentarily, yet He is the only One who can provide true rest and freedom for our souls. (if only my soul could really take hold of this.)
the loneliness is more poignant on some days. it sticks out like a neon sign. this happened for me the other day when i went exploring in the snow around my house. i turned back to see where i’d come from and snapped this picture. only one set of footprints. i felt alone, but i wasn’t. even though i have felt it more strongly in this season than any other, the truth of the matter is – His presence is always with me. whether i feel it or not. it was that very night i reached out for encouragement and a friend’s reply reminded me that “He is right there with you. He has never forsaken you.” my heart needed to hear that, it still does. how quickly our hearts can forget sometimes.
so i long to seek after the crevices, the ones where glimmers of His glory shine through. the evidences of His grace and presence, whether seen, felt or heard. the unresting and tragic loneliness that will, if i allow it, push me towards Himself to be fully satisfied. to remove all hindrances from finding the deepest fulfillment for my being – only to be found in Him. to be rooted in the truth of who He is. because He is truth, and He will stand true for our hearts. always.
so, i am learning to become thankful for the loneliness. because in the loneliness, i find Him.